COMFORT AND CARE

It’s an odd feeling when people in your care team recognize you and recall memories and you get to play pretend: DBT therapists, mental health workers, occupational therapists, nurses, staff, hell, even friends. I let them lead, hoping that something they say will jog my memory, but that’s never happened before. No, these are effectively new people, new experiences, new memories right now, as they’ll be the next time I see them too.

I no longer expect my mind to hold itself together. I need help, but it feels there’s no way I could build a new relationship that was outside of the realm of caretaker, yet I long to have such; the conversations and shared memories, not the caretaking. I wouldn’t burden anyone with me.

I do remember that my psychiatrist told me when I was last inpatient that I reminded him of Thom Yorke, lead vocalist of Radiohead. Not sure how to unpack that either, but I remember it at least. As for Radiohead, I don’t recall hearing “Creep” early on. My favorite song of theirs is still “Paranoid Android“. Judge me all you want, but my current state of paranoia just makes it oh so sweet.

Memories are a fickle thing. Don’t sweat it; let others take the lead if you need to. “I don’t remember” has been my catch phrase for so many years now, and there’s really no way around it.