HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT

Looking back about 15 years ago, a friend had written the following when we went to see a show in Brooklyn:

At another point, a really annoying girl in an extremely stupid shirt meekly made her way to the very front by side stepping the boot I deliberately planted, attempting to spread out and save Ian's spot when he went to pee. When I didn't accommodate her intrusion in trying to fit into a space like a whale in a cupboard, she turned to me, dimly smiled and said, "I like your glasses."

She spent the rest of the show looking behind her and waving to a friend behind Ian and I and it was probably the closest I've ever seen Ian to inaugurating a Fight Club on anyone's face. I would've had his back.

This sounds familiar to something that happened late in 2024 when I was inpatient for about 3 months. I started out in a state-run facility for a few days before I ended up in a real hospital where I had access to my care team, I first tried ECT, and spent most of my time there for this treatment (of note: the most well known side-effect of ECT is memory loss). Thankfully though, when I was transferred, I had enough of my mind to remember my belongings, especially those that somehow hadn’t been transferred with me; this included my phone and my keys, effectively leaving me without the ability to make phone calls or access my studio were I to be released. Somehow a friend knew I was in the hospital (!!!), and at some point, I made a particular death stare when she told me that they were dragging their feet regarding transferring those items. The belongings were returned after a few weeks after some very harsh phone calls made by said friend. I smiled this time.

I didn’t know of this “intense expression,” where my face betrays my want to hold back negative emotions, until long after had been discharged.

It’s in me. Other people noticed. I didn’t. It’s normal.

With regard to the concert, I wasn’t diagnosed yet, let alone medicated, but I urge anyone to seek help if they feel even a bit off. A few words here and there with your primary care physician can make all the difference.