I CAN SEE A LOT OF LIFE IN YOU

Things to be grateful for, now and in the future...

Before I left Oakland, and in preparation for a move back to the East Coast, my therapist urged me to make a list of “THINGS THAT I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO.” I never got around to making that list as my anxiety was through the roof about getting ready for the move across the country.

Now it’s time to make a new, ongoing list: “THINGS THAT I WILL ACHIEVE.” So far, I’ve started out with a grandiose art project and an unachievable side hustle. Not looking good.

Then there’s sports, once something I excelled at, but are now somewhat ruled out, not just because of being anorexic, but because of a recent hypomanic fit, in which I abruptly ended a terrific conversation with my sister-in-law, and ran onto the field where my brother and nephew were playing soccer. I ending up tearing my MCL/ACL (this will be another long recovery period.) Now, without sturdy footing, I’ve been given the time to study the sport not as a player, but as a coach — a role that I’d never considered, but others have suggested it for me.

If nothing else, I have to emphasize that feeling physical pain was such a rush, having only been dealing with mental anguish (there were the two broken bones I got from falling during seizures, but this is a whole new level). The constant pain that I’m in, just makes me feel a change. I’m sure there are better ways to accomplish this for those with mental health disabilities however.

Sometimes there is beauty in our failures; just not always.