SHOULD I TEAR MY EYES OUT NOW?

(Sufjan Stevens - The Only Thing)

X-ACTO knives, an attempt to OD while watching “Dead Poets Society” (how prophetic), and even the constant willful suspension of jaywalking laws and motor vehicles versus my body… to me, it’s a long-term “win” to prove myself “right;” effectively passive suicidal attempts. Sure, I may be in the hospital or worse, but there’s no better feeling than being right. To me anyways. My brother firmly disagrees, but two-plus decades of living in cities where “pedestrian right of way” laws were firmly in place has jaded me. These actions were just from last year.

There’s nothing heroic about suicide; don’t fool yourself. Sure I have my believes that I cling to, whether it being vegetarian, or the tattoos that I’ve chosen over the years, but they’re stories to share with others if you want to. Suicide is generally a one-sided decision. Not to say that suicide is totally wrong: the mental pain one can go through can be overwhelming (even with all the help one can find) - I know this to be a contreversial viewpoint. In general though, it’s not a choice to be taken lightly.

On this subject, there’s the issue of other people’s “feelings.” I have great respect for that, but it’s hard to understand when your mind is constantly turning on you. Eight years of therapy and I’ve yet to get to this matter (something like “Opposite Action” in DBT terms). Perhaps being around family now will help, perhaps not.

We’ll see where this goes; it’s early still.